Just two weeks ago in our youth Bible study my topic for them was: WHERE GOD GUIDES, HE PROVIDES. And also about how we need to learn how to trust him with and in EVERYTHING. I also told them that that's something I really have struggles with sometimes because I tend to wanting to get things done by myself, never asking for help because I'm too proud to or simply just want to prove everyone including my own self that I can do what I want and am independent enough to succeed in the things I plan in my own little head.
Most of the times I fail.
People who know me know my life. I try and try my hardest to be a good individual. I plan my life the way it looks best in my eyes but every time I think it's going good for me, it's like "nope, that's not your position". So going through struggles with different colleges, my job, family, friends, relationships, eating disorders, pcos, anxiety, physical abuse, spiritual abuse, and other.. seeing everyone else succeeding in life made me bitter. Not on the outside but in my heart. Still tried to be the sweet girl but I was not happy. Always asking myself why things would happen to me but never for me. But would I give my all to God and trust him to change me? No. And yes I've prayed those prayers where I said "Lord, I give you my life". But did I mean it? Partly. There were so many things I wouldn't give up and clean up which I knew I had to so God would have room to help. Compromising my faith just so I could keep on living my miserable life, having the excuse "Yes I am a Christian. But I'm only human. God knows my heart. He knows I'm not doing it on purpose. And the most important thing is my relationship to him". I said those things and wouldn't even pray until the next Sunday or Tuesday evening when it was church time. I wouldn't even get my Bible out of my purse. What relationship to God was I talking about?
So, I am sooo far from where I want to be. But beginning with finding out who I actually am and asking God where he wants to place me just changed everything. I am not entertaining people anymore who just soak the life out of me and only leave me empty in return. I stopped putting my focus